Live
by snipsa
Summary: A Look into Tony's thoughts during the episode SWAK, PreTwilight, still in denial about that one! TATE


A/N This is just a glimpse at what I hope Tony was thinking during SWAK. Pre Twilight, I can't deal with that as of yet. Only saw that episode yesterday, so I am still processing everything…

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I'm dying…

Nobody needs to tell me that, I can feel it. It's my body! I know it's shutting down. If this headache doesn't kill me first it will be my internal organs, I can already see it in my mind's eye, slowing down, a few more hours give or take a minute and everything will just stop. I will be left in darkness forever.

Why do I always need to upstage Kate, she catches a cold, I have to go and get myself infected with a plague that's been thought extinct for centuries…

Gibbs is probably ready to kill me! Now there's a thought, being killed right before dying in any case… He has always warned us about opening mail, especially after the Anthrax scares, but no, I'm mister macho NCIS man, mister "won't ever be killed by a stupid envelope." Well I've sure shown Gibbs haven't I?

Gibbs… The man is like a father to me, sure a groggy, kick you when you're down, know-it-all father, but a dad all the same. I'm going to miss him. He… he… I just hope he'll be fine, get another "son" to torment.

Abby will be fine, she has McGee. Anybody can see that they are meant for each other. I've joked about that time and time again, hoping that they can get the hint, but apparently two of the smartest people I know can also be the dumbest…

That basically only leaves one person, Kate…

We've done the same dance the whole time we've known each other. I flirt, she hit… Yes that basically describes our relationship. She's great, beautiful, smart, has a right hook like few others, I just wish that she could see the way I truly feel about her. Behind all the jokes and innocent flirtations lies a real connection. At least, for me…

I've blown it, always joking when she tries to be serious, being serious when she's joking. When we're out there on the field people have commented that we act like one, like we're on exactly the same wavelength, but when it comes to communicating outside of work we just can't seem to do it. For example today, she tries to get serious, what do I do, joke around about movies. MOVIES I mean!

She's stayed with me this whole time, she didn't need to, I knew that she wasn't sick, at least every fibre within me hoped that she wasn't. After a few hours I knew she wasn't, sure she joked that she was stronger than me, but I knew that it's because she really only has a cold.

Why did she stay? Did she want me to die wondering if I could have infected her in these few hours, leaving me in torment for all eternity.

That's the only thing I can come up with. Otherwise it would mean she really does care, care enough about me to put her own life at risk.

If that's it the real question is, if I survive will I be able to live with that? Live, knowing that she cared about me enough to die for me. Live knowing that there is a small chance for us, a chance that we could be together.

Can I live with that, what if I read this wrong, and she doesn't care that way about me. If I'm going to live it will only be because Kate will be living with me. Living inside me, with me in every sense of the word.

I can't believe that it takes me dying to realize this, realize that I can't live without her.

But can I die, die without telling her all this, telling her that she's the only reason for me to keep on living, believing…

I love her, that's it, I've finally admitted it, love her so deeply it hurts. Okay maybe that's just the plague, but I DO love her!

I'm going to live, live to be a son for Gibbs, cupid for Abby and McGee and Live to love Kate!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

A/N - So this was my first attempt at writing a NCIS fic. What do you think? I've only watched SWAK once, so I'm not exactly sure about the sequence of all the events. If I have anything totally wrong, please let me know…

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it's greatly appreciated!


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